


black days and sky grey (and clouds full of fear)

by peachibun



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxious Keith (Voltron), Dissociation, Galaxy Garrison, Insecure Keith (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Korean Keith (Voltron), Mental Health Issues, Orphan Keith (Voltron), Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Sad Keith (Voltron), Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 19:13:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13958184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachibun/pseuds/peachibun
Summary: keith wasn't the most talented pilot of his generation out of talent."every day, it was the same fight. over and over, only that every time, he sank further."





	black days and sky grey (and clouds full of fear)

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags before reading!
> 
> title from the song "impossible year" by p!atd

keith watched his hands tremble above the keys on his tablet screen.

 _probably the coffee_ , he thought absently.  _or maybe that i cant remember the last time i slept._

shiro was sleeping, having retired to his bed several minutes- hours?- ago, mumbling for keith to do the same. keith waited him out like he usually did. he couldn't sleep, he knew. not with that aerodynamics exam that the professor had promised would take place sometime during the week. he promised himself that he would sleep after this.

he forced his burning eyes to scan the crumpled paper tacked to the board on his desk for the hundredth time that night.  _that, and the biology ii paper due next week,_ he amended. he had to start early and get it proofread by matt on... wednesday? and he knew that the 10 page extra credit minimum was necessary if he was to pull his grade above the other cadet in his class, and goodness only knew how hard the other was working. he could not lose.

the time at the top corner of his screen read 00:32, and keith blinked. when had that time passed? last he had checked, it was still 23:07, and his textbook had actually flipped back a few pages. a thick, ugly panic rose in his chest, and he shoved it down. there was no use panicking over the lost time now. 

fruitlessly, he attempted to skim a few pages to make up for the delay, but upon reaching the end of the page, he realized that he had no idea what he had read. gritting his teeth against a whine of one part frustration and two parts panic, he flipped back and started rereading. 

the screen was still somehow too bright, no matter how low keith turned it down- the lowest setting- and he felt a stabbing pain around his temples. squinting, he zoomed in on the small diagram in the margin, reminding himself that everything counted if he was to get a perfect score: this teacher was notorious for throwing out the most random questions and giving them an almost ridiculous point value to "encourage" the students to read more carefully. most just guessed, but keith could not afford to guess. every question missed, he calculated, would mean 4% off the overall test and a 0.25% deduction from his current overall grade, including extra credit points.

an hour later, he was nodding off. there was a fog in front of his eyes, and he could feel the strain in his neck as well. sighing, he got up from the seat. 25 pushups to wake himself up, and then back at it.

he took a sip from the cup on the table without being fully aware of its contents and dropped to the floor. the pushups were doing their job, and he felt himself crawling back into his chair all too soon. the adrenaline from exercise would not last long, he knew, and fought to power through the dizziness from getting up too fast. no time for that.

the flight pattern diagram mocked him from behind the screen.

ketih's hands were cold, even under the gloves. he found that the later into the night it got, the worse his blood circulation became. 

he forced himself to take another deep breath and pushed away the anxiety that cried out at the wasted time.  _it's okay,_ he told himself.  _my work will be ore efficient now that i've woken up more._

the time was now 02:54, and he felt nearly sick. a self-destructive part him whispered that he could just _go to bed_ \- he shut it away so hard that his hand actually swiped the screen by accident. he  _couldn't._

one mistake could mean the difference between qualification for the next crew, between captain and cadet, between life or death.  _(between staying and abandonment.)_

he stared at the screen harder, as if that would make him absorb the information more effectively. he checked the paper again, to ensure that he wasn't forgetting any other assignments. nothing. he didn't trust himself and his blurred vision.

not when it felt like his consciousness was drifting from his body, and was the tablet warping in his hands? he could barely feel a tingling sensation in his fingers and was faintly aware that he was swaying in his seat. he dug his nails into the palm of his hands, but he watched his hands move without feeling any of it. 

he stared at his hands for a moment before gracelessly rising from the seat and stumbling towards the shared bathroom to splash water onto his face. the shock brought him back, and he let out a surprised gasp at the frigid temperature. but already, the haze was settling, and he couldn't keep the noise down this time. 

in a noisier environment, it would have been completely inaudible, but the whimper was painfully loud to his own ears as it reverberated in the darkened bathrooms. his hands were trembling again, and he felt like his legs were only partially moving at his instruction, but rather moving clumsily in the only way they knew how, along a familiar path.

as quietly as he could, given the lack of fine control in his limbs, keith pushed open the door of his and shiro's shared dorm and shuffled his shoes off. apparently, he wasn't quiet enough, because shiro's sleepy voice met him, muffled by the partially drawn curtain. 

"'eith? what're you doin' up?" 

keith swallowed, but no words would leave his mouth. "i- i-" he stammered, wincing at how rough his voice sounded. 

he longed to take the five steps forward and fall into a warm waiting embrace, and shiro's reassuring voice vibrating in his chest. but instead, he stubbornly turned back to his chair, picking up the tablet.

"nothing. g-go to sleep."

**Author's Note:**

> me, an ap student crumbling under the pressure to be perfect, projecting my problems onto poor keith  
> (i suppose that this type of insecurity would be better suited on lance's character, but i associated the anger first? + i'm not that great at writing langst tbh)  
> i guess this story is just  
> it's hard, guys.  
> and it's only going to get more difficult. every day, i wake up knowing that it's only another day, allow myself to wallow in the bitter truth. it's all i ever wanted, and something i could never be. to be someone. someone important, someone to admire, someone who mattered. my greatest skill and my fatal flaw: i'll never be more than average, and one day, average won't be enough anymore.  
> i have an essay, an sat prep test, and a presentation by the end of this week, and i honestly don't think i can handle it anymore. (how pathetic. there so many people more capable than me, and all i can think is that no matter how hard i try, i'll never be them.) how long do i have? before i'm no longer on the top?   
> my greatest fear is not being good enough.
> 
> if you're out there, fighting the same fight as me, i wish you all the best. i know. i know it's hard, and i know how easy it would be to just give up. don't. i tell you what i cannot convince myself. you have potential to be someone. you matter. you can do it.   
> it feels like it never ends, but it will. you will have to fight, and fight hard. but you will survive. and i am so proud of you.


End file.
